Today today!

Wow, just had to write today was a very busy day! This morning I got up at 8, got dressed and went to my hair appointment (which I just love doing) and came home to everyone still in jammies! After a few moments of laziness, we all got dressed and headed for the great outdoors. We decided this weekend was going to be the best to get everything picked up for the year. We raked leaves for Logan to jump in, put away outdoor toys and burned our yard trash (just leaves and grass, old dead flowers). We were at it from noon until after six this evening raking, cutting, piling, burning and sweeping. We got our halloween decorations down and are all buckled down for the winter to come.

This evening I checked the mail and my favorite magazine came: Nursing Made Incredibly Easy! This magazine has been my no fail savior throughout nursing school because there are so many topics on things that are covered. The topic though, for Nov/Dec is what caught my eye...Cervical Cancer. What are the chances of reading an actual issue I'm facing! So I read the 6 page article and was impressed. I already knew everything that was in there, but it's good to read another NURSE'S perspective.

The inlaws came in this evening, and they got pizza while I got my fill of Chipotle. I had to have it because, well, cravings during the week before "that time of the month" are a pain! And we just had pizza Thursday and I can't eat that much in 2 days.

Now we are all down for the night. Logan's pooped out in her bed, Sadie is curled up in her favorite chair, and Bill's schnoozin' away.

I love good, productive family days like this.

And I am ADDICTED

A few months ago, some girlfriends of mine and I all met at The Greene. We had lunch at Adobe Gila's and walked around the place for a while. The Greene is an all outdoor shopping mall, featuring many different specialty shops from Cheryl and Co, Moochie and Co for the pets and Fossil. They also have my latest (and unfortunately expensive) addiction: SEPHORA.

Oh Sephora. I say that orgasmically.

Sephora is a store that specializes in beauty products. Before I had my daughter, I was quite the beauty buff. I had many mascaras, foundations, powders, eyeshadows...I was the queen of all things Clinique. Of course back before children I had a much more stable job and a better income than I have today...which is none! But I took out money when my marriage situation wasn't good and thought I'd need it to get an apartment or whatnot...thank goodness my marriage worked out. But I was left with some extra change. So, it was put to use and put away and I live off of a set amount each month. Unfortunately with an addiction so grand as Sephora, my monthly "allowance" isn't good enough!

My trip to Sephora that frosty October night was mainly for a fragrance I was buying for myself because I had passed OB nursing, Humanities and did so during a VERY Difficult time in my life. I had just been diagnosed with Cervical cancer, lost my job, and things were just overall difficult for me and my family. I hate hard times because, well, we haven't experienced anything like this before and weren't exactly prepared for this. Frivolous spending isn't exactly in our vocabulary right now. But I did it...I went and bought "Daisy" by Mark Jacobs. Oh and it smells great.

I also bought Smashbox photofinish primer and Cargo Foundation, a pair of tweezers and an eyelash curler.

All for the low low price of...well let's not discuss that! Ha!

So if you are ever in the area of a lovely Sephora...stop in. Their beauty experts will show you the way to looking (and feeling) fabulous. And smelling that way, too :).

Not so sure what to think anymore

Well, for a while I sat unsure of how to put my feelings into words. I guess I can start now. But I still don't know how to put feelings into something that'll make sense.

I guess right now my biggest feeling is alone. And I honestly don't know why I feel so alone, but I do. I look around and see so many people by my side, and I'm so grateful for that, but I can't help but feel alone. It's not my husband nor my daughter (a 3 year old never leaves you alone). It's not his family, nor my friends...Andrea, Esme, Sarah and Jaime are the best friends I could have.

So why do I feel so alone?

I guess maybe it's my family. I told my dad about the cancer diagnosis about a week ago and I honestly didn't get the genuine feeling that he cared. He stated he wasn't going to tell my stepmom right away, which is his decision, but I felt she needed to know. I'm sure right now you are asking "why don't you call her yourself if you are so damned worried about it then?". Because my calls go unanswered. So Dad told me that night he told Melissa and her mother about my cancer diagnosis. Who was the first to call me? Melissa's mom. Melissa has yet to call and ask how I'm doing. How I'm feeling and taking everything. If she were to call she'd know I'm scared to death. She'd know I'm honestly scared about having a second baby, although a mother of 2 I always wanted to be, but it's scarying being pushed into the unknown without a flashlight. That's what I consider this.

There's another part to the scary unknown however.

I spoke with a good friend of mine, she actually is my old boss from years ago when I worked for a family physician. Susan's a mother of 5 who knows just about everyone there is to know. I told her what my OB found out and she sounded scared for me. More scared than I am. She urged me to get a second opinion. I guess maybe it's not a bad idea, I just don't want to go making my current OB mad...I need a good doctor (or two or three) in my life and want to keep it that way.

But she had an interesting reason for getting the second opinion.

Adenocarcinoma can come back whenever, however. It's also very misleading. I will have paps every 6 months and while they may be negative...I could actually be growing cancer cells within the mucuos crypts (oh that sounds dark and desolate!) and those won't go noticed for a while. Susan asked if I was so sure I wanted to wait a year to have this hysterectomy...while it's great that Logan will have a sibling, what happens if the cancer comes back and worse...becomes...INVASIVE while I'm pregnant. We don't know these things. We were just told get pregnant now and get the box removed.

I don't know what to do. No one is in my situation and therefore it makes me feel that much more isolated.

I don't want a hysterectomy. At 27 I'm supposed to enjoy being a mom, getting this career underway and paying down some serious debt. But instead I'm working on having another baby (well, not actively) while finishing my degree so I can hurry up and graduate only to have a baby and a hysterectomy. Ugh.

I need a drink.

SALE!!!

I just got an email from Bath and Body Works and it triggered a thought in my mind.

Did you ever notice, there is a SALE for just about every reason possible? "baby days sale" "columbus day sale" "because we just aren't selling enough sale". It makes me sit back and think of the days I worked in retail. I remember looking at prices marked on clothing and wondering...if it's marked 32.99...does it ever sell for 32.99?

The answer to that has got to be no. I mean, every time we turn around, there is a sale going on. Everything in a store, with many brands excluded, is always on sale...whether it's 10% off, buy one get one free, or buy 2 get the third half off. And even if the item is full price, sign up for that department store's credit card, add it to the stack of 50 you have at home and BAM...you save an additional 20%!!!

So as I sit here and ramble on about sales, I also wonder in the back of my mind...one of these days there's going to be a "never pay full price for anything" sale!

Just blabbering...

Today has been a rough day. I woke up this morning to the sound of my little girl saying "Momma...I come to bed with you...". I just love these mornings, I love snuggling with my snugglebug and just taking my time waking up. I love seeing her precious little face and her little stuffed animals she brings with her. I love seeing her hair a mess and her binker in her mouth.

After a breif snuggle, we got up and got breakfast. It's a first for me to be up so early in the morning, but we did it. After breakfast I tackled 5 overstuffed loads of laundrybaskets to put away. And I got it all done just shy of noon! Whew!

Then after her nap I got her dressed to go to her aunt's house. Tonight was the night we were meeting with the OB/GYN about my biopsy results that had come in on Monday. I was a wreck all day but kept it together as much as I could. I didn't want to hear the grim words. I didn't want to hear the treatment. I just wanted it all to be a bad dream and wake up to being healthy again.

It just doesn't happen that way, does it?

I'm going to blog it here, but honestly my family doesn't know what's going on. I mean, my husband, mother in law and all them know, and a few close friends know. I had cancer. I had adenocarcinoma of the cervix. As my OB/GYN stated, there were 2 kids of cancer, one being a result of HPV, and the other just popping in for no reason. HPV cancer is slow going and often is treated and that's it. Not adenocarcinoma. Not my cancer. My cancer arises from the mucous glands of the cervix, and while the LEEP removed the malignancy, it will come back. I thank God every day it was a stage 0, that it was not invasive. My doc informed me that we can still have more kids, however, we needed to do it now and not later. I don't have the luxury of waiting now to have another child. And once we have this baby and we know for certain we are done, well, I have to have a total hysterectomy. That's the part that scares the shit out of me. I never wanted to be 27 with this kind of cancer. I wanted to be 27 in the start of my awesome new career and enjoying life! Not that I won't if I have the hysterectomy, but it'll be different.

I'm rambling on here because honestly I am scared to death. I am going back and forth on having another baby. I am going back and forth about delaying the hysterectomy. I have my reasons, my doubts. I'm just not sure how this is all supposed to play out now.

Guess I'll sleep on it and decide.

Tagged!

Esme tagged me on her blog, but she's my only reader so I better make this interesting!!!!!


1. Where is your cell phone? Beside me silenced.
2. Your significant other? Is the most amazing person ever. He treats me like gold and I love him very much.
3. Your hair? Is a nasty mess and needs washed/styled.
4. Your mother? is in heaven. Love you momma!
5. Your father? Playing cops and robbers in South Charleston
6. Your favorite thing? Happiness and flowers!
7. Your dream last night? I don't know that I had one.
8. Your favorite drink? Alcoholic? Raspberry margarita. Non? McD's Sweet tea! Yum!
9. Your dream/goal? Longterm: to be a successful nurse, a great mother and a kickass wife. Short term: to get healthier.
10. The room you're in? Bedroom
11. Your hobby? Shopping
12. Your fear? failure
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? employed? LOL! I'd like to be in a bigger house with my family.
14. What you're not? rich
15. Muffin? I have a muffin top that I need to rid myself of. Oh you mean food? Blueberry!
16. One of your wish list items? a Nintendo Wii
17. Where you grew up? Springfield
18. The last thing you did? This survey, and it got deleted so I have to do it again.
19. What are you wearing? osu tshirt and sweatpants and flipflops
20. Favorite gadget? my palm centro.
21. Your pets? Are both asleep! Snore!
22. Your computer? Is red and I love it.
23. Your mood? Scared/nervous.
24. Missing someone? mmmm...no, not really
25. Your car? Needs detailed...it's a mess and the detail is FREE!
26. Something you're not wearing? socks.
27. Favorite store? Wow there's a few...old navy, children's place, target, kohls, the whole outlet center
28. Like someone? Sure! I like everyone!!!
29. Your favorite color? Pink, blue, white, red, grey
30. When is the last time you laughed? This morning.
31. Last time you cried? Last night.

I tag....the next person to read this!

"Misty, this is Leslie from Dr. W's office, please give me a call at......."

Today was the day. And I sort of knew that, but I half ass expected to hear it tomorrow, not Monday.

I was on the phone arguing with Sprint over my f'n cell phone bill when I saw the first 3 numbers of the number beeping in. I ignored it because my ignorant ass didn't recognize the number at first. Then they called my cell phone. Damnit...doctors only call the cell when it's important.

Oh shit. It's Dr. W. I guess it's important.

So, I called back. Hell I'd just spent the last 2 hours of my life fighting over a $630 bill with Sprint...I'll spend another 5 hearing decent news. I thought Les was just calling to tell me it was HPV and not what she really said.

"Mis, the biopsy came back and showed Carcinoma In Situ.(voice trailed off here). Dr. W. says if you want another baby you need to do it now." Les explained to me as calmly as she normally does. She's good like that.

"Cancer?" I asked. "In Situ isn't bad though"

"Well, not exactly cancer," she continued. I didn't hear the rest of it because I know CIS is cancer. Just not invasive cancer. "He wants you in for a consultation this week. Can you make it tomorrow?" she asked

"No, tomorrow's no good. Let's do Wednesday" I insisted. By now I'm trembling, knowing what this consult will lead to.

"Wednesday early or late?" she inquired. "Late, say, closing time" I answered.

"6:30? Last one of the day, he can relax and explain everything without a rush". She stated.

"Yeah, that will work. Logan's going to her aunt for the night, that'll be awesome".

"yeah, don't bring Logan. This is too important and you need your full attention on what he's going to tell you" Leslie informed me.

So I called my husband. I was extremely calm (too calm for his liking) when I explained the result he was shocked. We both didn't expect the cancer diagnosis. But it could have been worse...it could have NOT been detected 3 weeks ago. I could have not gone to the doctor for the pain. But something told me to go...I think that voice was God telling me I needed to get in and get in now.

I'll admit, I'm scared. I know I'm in good hands, but I am scared. What does CIS mean for the future? I mean, yes, it's ecapsulated...woo hoo. Is it gone? I don't know. Did the cells travel up the cervix? I don't know that either.

What I do know is right now I need all the love and support in the world because bad luck seems to be following me around.