It's over...

At 4:00 this afternoon (or 1600 for those of you who prefer military time :) ) I underwent my LEEP. First, the IUD came out. Wow...I never expected it to hurt like it did, but it was a quick ouch and it was over. Then came the LEEP procedure. The doctor inserted the speculum and placed a gel filled pad on my right leg. Before numbing the area with lidocaine, he cleaned the area with iodine and then numbed me up. The numbing hurt the most as lidocaine burns when it goes in. After numbing was complete, the machine was turned on and the surgery began. I was awake for the whole thing and I bet he wishes I was knocked out because my nerves cause me to talk more than normal (and for those who know me well probably feel for the doctor at this point!). I didn't feel much other than some minor "shock" feeling sensations as the electrode cut away the lesion. I did smell some burning because, well, that's what was entailed, some cauderization. The procedure took about 20 minutes and when I was done I was shaky, shocked and cramping pretty bad. The MA showed me the lesion he took out (and that was fine because I can handle seeing my own tissue) and my eyes widened...the section was about 1 inch by 1 inch or a little less. I'm not exagerating on the size. In the center of pink tissue lay a strip of whitish-grey...the mass. The cervix is normally about 5-6 inches long, so one inch isn't really a big deal. After that was all done, I got dressed and went home.

I am so glad that's over now. Because not only will we know WHAT it was, we'll know that it's GONE. That really eases my mind.

Today is the day.....

Right now it's the day. Tuesday, September 30, 2008. In about, oh, 14 hours I'll be on my merry way to the OB/GYN. I'm a little nervous...in the 11 years I have gotten my paps done, I have never had an abnormal result. I'm a little freaked out. And I know, oftentimes I read tooo much into stuff, but IT'S MY problem now, not someone at work, not the lady down the street...there's no filter to what goes in my head about ME. I read every last fine detail. What I have learned about the cells found in my pap are that High Grade Intraepithelial Squamous lesions are commonly associated with cervical cancer. Now, I know, I KNOW this does NOT mean I have cancer, just means there is a high association. Low Grade Intraepithelial Squamous Lesions are associated with HPV, or Human Papilloma Virus. Again, I know it's not a cancer diagnosis until after the LEEP and the tissue is sent for biopsy, but still, I am scared.

What scares me the MOST about this is the fact that it snuck up on me so FAST. And I thank the good Lord above for putting Dr. Duque in my life as my doctor because she decided to do the pap to begin with...I hadn't had one in over a year ( I was lax because I had never had an abnormal) and figured, what the hey...just do it. If it weren't for her, I'd have known about the ruptured 5 cm cyst, but I would have never known about the lesion until it was too late.

Too late. Never a word I want to hear.

So 14 hours from now I'll be up in stirrups hating life as always in that position (seems like that's all I've gotten done at the doctor lately) while they use a blade like wire to trim peices of my cervix away to send off. Yes, the bejesus has been scared out of me. But I also know I'm in good hands.

Comforts from the doctor.

Today I returned the call from my OBGYN. I have an appointment next Tuesday, 9/30 at 3:30 for my procedure, called a LEEP proceedure. At the appointment he was going to discuss the results of the u/s and of the pap but I needed in today because I was in unrelenting pain.

The reason I just love my OB...he's very calming. Maybe it's the Yellow Springs in him, but he's mellow, and of course in medicine that's a must...but not many docs have this gift. He calmly explained the cyst shown on the u/s from last week had ruptured (thank GOOOOOODNESSSSS!!!!!) but that the results of the pap are of concern and we must take care of that soon. Of course the good Doctor stressed must because I often will put things off. I put off a repeat u/s. I put off my pap smears for 3-5 years at a time. Well, I'm no longer a health procrastinator. I think he feared I'd cancel my LEEP and not do it and this precancerous shit would grow out of control. Nope...negative. I am going to show up for that appointment and will from here on out follow up on ever exam, test, repeat no matter what. At the time I will have the LEEP done, I will also have my IUD taken out. No more birth control for me. Why? We want another baby.

ASAP

Last week I saw my family physician for some severe right sided abdominal pain as noted in my last post. At the time she also did a pap smear because it's been about a year and a half since I had my last one and figured since she was down there, get it over with. Well, those weren't her words exactly though :) !

Today, the RN called me with the test results. All I heard was "severe dysplasia" and I started bawling. In clinical. I hung up and didn't know what to do so I ran to the bathroom because nausea was quickly building.

I discussed my results with my OB instructor who have me lots of resources on what to do and how. My husband and I are working on getting onto his insurance so I am covered.

I'm honestly not fearing anything right now. I am going to see my OB Tuesday to see the gameplan. Although, the office called 2 times today...they may want me in sooner.

For those of you who don't understand severe dysplasia...it is a severe growth of cancerous/precancerous cells. Possibly caused by HPV and if left untreated can cause cervical cancer.

I'll keep updating as I can.

She's home!!

I am happy to announce the (re)arrival of our sweet Boxer, Sadie. We had given her to my inlaws a few months ago so Bill and I could work on things and get our relationship back to normal. We decided it was time (as did my mother in law...she loves her but worries about her when she's at work) and last night was her first night back home. She's happy, healthy as a horse and HUGE! Wow those doggies grow so fast. She follows everyone around, loves to sit on laps and has to be with you in the bathroom (??). She's now 6 months old and a real gem! She's so silly! Our first night went off without a hitch, she slept in our bedroom beside my side of the bed and dreamed of puppychow there all night. Logan's sooooo happy to have her doggie back home too...she's upset though that Sadie can't sleep in her room just yet. We need to know she's trustworthy to sleep in another room (and she's awesome company for us at night!)

Welcome home, Sadie!

Why can't it just go SMOOTHLY?

Oh the dreadful thought of being jobless AND insuranceless.

I have a history of a large ovarian cyst on my right ovary. Yeah, it sucks, I have tried BCP for it for a month and it didn't go away. It started causing me trouble yesterday again...

I was grocery shopping with my child in Wal-mart when "F*** OUCH!" What the H was that? And "OH" again? By this point I'm squatting in the soup isle trying to gather my barings. I stand up and "SHIT!" it hurt again. I felt like I got shot or something burst. But "OOOHHHHH" it hurt so bad.

I managed to finish my shopping and got us to the car, loaded the car and crouched down beside Logan in the parking lot. I texted my husband, Bill, and said "my side really hurts bad". Within a few minutes he called me back and asked what was going on. I was driving trying to keep the pain off of my mind but by this time it was so rediculously bad that I just kept breathing. I explained to him what was happening and he became worried. Thought for sure I'd have to go to the ER, but I refused. He was afraid it was my appendix, I wasn't so sure but didn't want to endure the ER with a cranky hungry 3 year old by myself. Poor Bill was on his way back to the farm after making a delivery, so he couldn't get there immediately.

I got home, unloaded the car and got back in the house when the searing pain came back. I spent a good part of an hour trying to just calm down and NOT throw up because I was in so much pain. I felt cold, clammy and ill, the pain was more intense than I ever remember having.

I tried calling my OB/GYN who is out of town. Crap. So I pondered the ER again. Then I called my family doc who wanted to see me immediately. Immediately meant driving an hour to her office. I met up with Bill in a parking lot where he left his truck and came with me to the office.

In the office the pain began to subside. Every now and then I'd have some searing pain but not as bad as it origionally started out. I just sat still and tried hard not to cry. Finally I was called back.

In the office I was asked a million questions: surgeries, sexual history, pregnancy/birth...she ran the gauntlet. So then came the fun part we women just love...the pelvic. Well, at least she ruled out the appendix.

Up in those lovely stirrups she felt for my ovaries. She said she felt an odd mass over my right side and ordered a stat ultrasound. Back to town we flew.

The ultrasound went and I went home thank goodness. I got the results this morning: I have an abnormally shaped ovarian cyst on my right side. Abnormal? What's this mean? Hm, well it's not round like it should be. This scares the dickens out of me.

So while I am dreading the results of this lovely exam, I also have one more thing to consider. Insurance.

I won't go into the boring details but basically I'm not being scheduled enough hours to keep my insurance. My new nurse manager refuses to schedule me more than one day a week, and I am under worker's comp restrictions of working only 8 hours a day...which Community doesn't support. So I'm left with no hours, no insurance and thus no money.

Bill's elated I'm home with him and Logan...and I am happy about it too, but what do I do? Is it my fault for not fighting hard enough for my hours I had at Mercy? Is it my fault that I won't (and at this point can't) get my restrictions ammended? I just lost my worker's comp doc (she passed away last week) so it's not like I can just call and ask for this. I have to find another POR and go from there. And that's proven harder than it should be.

So back to my question of what to do! If I get regular insurance I won't be covered for this for a year. I graduate in 5 months and I'll have insurance through Good Sam if they hire me. But how serious is an irregular shaped cyst? They didn't say mass...they said cyst. Now, as a nurse I should know that irregular and cyst usually don't go well together. But it could be that it ruptured and that was the immense pain I felt.

I hate this feeling of what to do...especially with my health. I am also beating myself up for not doing something about it when I had the chance. But money is tight and doctors aren't free and work hours aren't paid when there isn't work that is done.

What to do.

Oh my gosh I've not written....

Take serious note of this! For I am a writer.

I sit here, on a chilly Saturday night, with really not much else to do or think about. Ok I lied. There's a lot on my mind. Not sure where to start, exactly.

Since my last entry in July, so much has been going on. We'll start with school. In July, I was newly vested in pediatric nursing. I had clinicals at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, which is a nice 6 story hospital dedicated to the lives of children. There were so many areas of the hospital I never knew existed...nor really wanted to know because the thought of sick children just pulls at my little heart strings. I can't bear to see my own little one sick, and I didn't like the thought of seeing others.

I was on a small unit, T6 (Tower 6) which is an infectious disease unit. The thought of "children" and "infectious disease" all together made me a little queasy. But it ended up not being that bad. I really liked how the nurses interacted with the children. All of them were VERY good...I could sit here and go on and on about how great of care these youngsters were receiving from these great nurses...some new grads and some were seasoned professionals. I actually ended up enjoying my time on T6, and then, it was gone. Time to take my ATI and my final and call peds done. Then on to OB.

Between Peds and OB, my husband of 6 years and I decided it was time for a getaway. I must admit, I was hesitant to go because I haven't been away from my daughter for more than a night ever. EVER. And I know her grandparents take good care of her, but still, she's my baby and I missed her so.

We went 400 miles away to Niagara Falls, Canada. It was absolutely amazing. Bill and I have been on a quest to help our marriage out, and this did the trick. The first night we were there, he surprised me with rose petals on the bed and Dove chocolate! He also wrote me the SWEETEST poem I'd ever read. I presented him with a watch. We went out that evening to the lookout over the falls, and around 10 we watched the fireworks. Then we decided to go to Fridays where we unknowingly spent 90 dollars on what? A beer, a margarita and some fajitas and a burger. SHIT! We were NOT expecting to go broke! So we went back to our hotel and enjoyed the hot tub before bed.

The next day we had a buffet breakfast in the hotel...the Marriott Fallsview. Breakfast was delish! Then we ventured out to see about tours. After scheduling a 6 hour tour, we took a little walk around the casinos and gambled a little (we both don't get into it, but had never done it before!) and then shot some pics of the falls. Then it was time for the tour. We did Journey Behind the Falls, the Maid of the Mist and went to a butterfly conservatory. It was AMAZING! Then back to the hotel where we got cleaned back up and went out again to the Hard Rock Cafe' and strolled around a shopping district that reminded me of a stationary fair!!! That night Bill gave me some earrings I'd been eyeing for a while and I was shocked!

The next morning, we had breakfast again, and discussed either staying one more night or heading home. We decided we'd head for home since we'd spent more than anticipated and I had clinicals Tuesday. On the way home, we stopped at some wineries and bought some wine. Again, a first for us because Bill's a Bud Light man and I'm more of a Margarita Mistress! But we got some wine we both like and some memories that will last forever at the vineyard!

And now on to work: This part is a little shocking!

Monday I called to see about my work schedule. I work at Springfield Regional Medical Center....SRMC, formerly known as Community Mercy Health Partners. I worked at the Mercy Campus for 6 months and then we all moved over to Community. In this transition, my floor got a new nurse manager. We had gone from a Coronary Care Stepdown unit to a med/surg with tele. No one was happy at all. Well, in the midst of all this, I had gone from working 2 12's on the weekends to 2 8's because of a knee injury that was bothering me again. My new nurse manager didn't want to work with me about it. She decided only to schedule me 3 days a month. With this, I will lose my medical insurance and what's the use of working 24 hours a month? yeah, not much, so my husband told me to quit. And I am.

It's hard to think of myself as a non-working person. I know it's the best thing for now, but what else do I do! I have applied for a casual call position at another hospital knowing darn well I don't need it. The cool thing? I have an ER internship waiting for me at Good Samaritan Hospital when I graduate. Yeah, I'm excited about that one.

So while there's been so much going on, there's a little sort of update. Keep praying all works out for us in the next 5 months...I'm just a little nervous.