Just blabbering...

Today has been a rough day. I woke up this morning to the sound of my little girl saying "Momma...I come to bed with you...". I just love these mornings, I love snuggling with my snugglebug and just taking my time waking up. I love seeing her precious little face and her little stuffed animals she brings with her. I love seeing her hair a mess and her binker in her mouth.

After a breif snuggle, we got up and got breakfast. It's a first for me to be up so early in the morning, but we did it. After breakfast I tackled 5 overstuffed loads of laundrybaskets to put away. And I got it all done just shy of noon! Whew!

Then after her nap I got her dressed to go to her aunt's house. Tonight was the night we were meeting with the OB/GYN about my biopsy results that had come in on Monday. I was a wreck all day but kept it together as much as I could. I didn't want to hear the grim words. I didn't want to hear the treatment. I just wanted it all to be a bad dream and wake up to being healthy again.

It just doesn't happen that way, does it?

I'm going to blog it here, but honestly my family doesn't know what's going on. I mean, my husband, mother in law and all them know, and a few close friends know. I had cancer. I had adenocarcinoma of the cervix. As my OB/GYN stated, there were 2 kids of cancer, one being a result of HPV, and the other just popping in for no reason. HPV cancer is slow going and often is treated and that's it. Not adenocarcinoma. Not my cancer. My cancer arises from the mucous glands of the cervix, and while the LEEP removed the malignancy, it will come back. I thank God every day it was a stage 0, that it was not invasive. My doc informed me that we can still have more kids, however, we needed to do it now and not later. I don't have the luxury of waiting now to have another child. And once we have this baby and we know for certain we are done, well, I have to have a total hysterectomy. That's the part that scares the shit out of me. I never wanted to be 27 with this kind of cancer. I wanted to be 27 in the start of my awesome new career and enjoying life! Not that I won't if I have the hysterectomy, but it'll be different.

I'm rambling on here because honestly I am scared to death. I am going back and forth on having another baby. I am going back and forth about delaying the hysterectomy. I have my reasons, my doubts. I'm just not sure how this is all supposed to play out now.

Guess I'll sleep on it and decide.