Not so sure what to think anymore

Well, for a while I sat unsure of how to put my feelings into words. I guess I can start now. But I still don't know how to put feelings into something that'll make sense.

I guess right now my biggest feeling is alone. And I honestly don't know why I feel so alone, but I do. I look around and see so many people by my side, and I'm so grateful for that, but I can't help but feel alone. It's not my husband nor my daughter (a 3 year old never leaves you alone). It's not his family, nor my friends...Andrea, Esme, Sarah and Jaime are the best friends I could have.

So why do I feel so alone?

I guess maybe it's my family. I told my dad about the cancer diagnosis about a week ago and I honestly didn't get the genuine feeling that he cared. He stated he wasn't going to tell my stepmom right away, which is his decision, but I felt she needed to know. I'm sure right now you are asking "why don't you call her yourself if you are so damned worried about it then?". Because my calls go unanswered. So Dad told me that night he told Melissa and her mother about my cancer diagnosis. Who was the first to call me? Melissa's mom. Melissa has yet to call and ask how I'm doing. How I'm feeling and taking everything. If she were to call she'd know I'm scared to death. She'd know I'm honestly scared about having a second baby, although a mother of 2 I always wanted to be, but it's scarying being pushed into the unknown without a flashlight. That's what I consider this.

There's another part to the scary unknown however.

I spoke with a good friend of mine, she actually is my old boss from years ago when I worked for a family physician. Susan's a mother of 5 who knows just about everyone there is to know. I told her what my OB found out and she sounded scared for me. More scared than I am. She urged me to get a second opinion. I guess maybe it's not a bad idea, I just don't want to go making my current OB mad...I need a good doctor (or two or three) in my life and want to keep it that way.

But she had an interesting reason for getting the second opinion.

Adenocarcinoma can come back whenever, however. It's also very misleading. I will have paps every 6 months and while they may be negative...I could actually be growing cancer cells within the mucuos crypts (oh that sounds dark and desolate!) and those won't go noticed for a while. Susan asked if I was so sure I wanted to wait a year to have this hysterectomy...while it's great that Logan will have a sibling, what happens if the cancer comes back and worse...becomes...INVASIVE while I'm pregnant. We don't know these things. We were just told get pregnant now and get the box removed.

I don't know what to do. No one is in my situation and therefore it makes me feel that much more isolated.

I don't want a hysterectomy. At 27 I'm supposed to enjoy being a mom, getting this career underway and paying down some serious debt. But instead I'm working on having another baby (well, not actively) while finishing my degree so I can hurry up and graduate only to have a baby and a hysterectomy. Ugh.

I need a drink.